战争有规则
泥地摔跤有规则 政♥治♥没有规则 罗斯·佩罗
1988 年总统候选人 这一切是为了什么 What"s it all about? 美♥利♥坚♥
耶稣
自♥由♥ America, Jesus, freedom. 再说一遍 Say it again. 美♥利♥坚♥
耶稣
自♥由♥ America, Jesus, freedom. 可那是什么意思 And what does that mean? 我怎么知道
我一说他们就爱得要命 Shit, I don"t know. But the people sure love it when I say it. 发型怎么样 How"s my hair? 坚定
很坚定 Strong. Real strong. 把他送回华盛顿吧 Let"s send him back to Washington. 今日的民♥为♥党议员
明日的副总统 Democratic congressman today, vice president tomorrow. 他来了
所向披靡的 Here he is, running unopposed... -你们好
-卡姆·布雷迪 - Hello, everyone! - Cam Brady! 辛勤工作 北卡罗来纳州在辛勤工作 North Carolina is taking care of business. 和你们一样
每天我都生活在美国梦中 Just like you, every day, I"m living the American dream. 我的出身低下 I come from humble beginnings. 我父亲用双手勤劳工作 My father worked with his hands 他是维达·沙宣的首席发型师 as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon, 维达·沙宣
著名发型设计师及品牌 典型的美国家庭 very much the typical American family.
我今天也带来了我的一家 I"m here today with my beautiful family, 希望你们欢迎他们 and I"d love for you to welcome them. 我的两个孩子
杰西卡和小卡姆 My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr. 爱你们
杰杰
卡卡 I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage. 加油
小卡姆 Get them, Camo! 当然还有我的坚定基石 And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar 我妻子罗斯·布雷迪 Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife. 爱你
宝贝 Love you, baby. 我的梦中人
谢谢你们能来 My dream maker. Thanks for coming out. 2012 选卡姆·布雷迪 Cam Brady "012. 我国的国防从未如此强大 Our nation"s security has never been stronger 因为军队和退役军人 because our troops and 是这个国家的支柱 our veterans are this nation"s backbone. 因为农民是这个国家的支柱 Because farmers are this nation"s backbone. 学校是这个国家的支柱 Schools is this nation"s backbone. 装汽车音响的 Audio-installation specialists 给车窗染色的
是这个国家的支柱 and window tinters are this nation"s backbone. 因为操作大转轮的 Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl 菲律宾工人是这个国家的支柱 operators are this nation"s backbone. 今天我向你们承诺 And I wanna make you a promise today 如果你们把我送回华盛顿
that if you send me back to Washington, 让我第亓次连仸 D.C., for a fifth consecutive term 我会让他们了解 I will let them know 什么是美♥利♥坚♥
耶稣
自♥由♥ it"s about America, Jesus and freedom. 我们爱你
卡姆 We love you, Cam! 我也爱你 I love you too. 真是精力充沛的姑娘 You got a lot of energy, don"t you? -莎娜
-卡姆 - Oh, Shana. - Oh! Oh, Cam! 你身体真结实 Your body"s so toned. -卡姆
-真结实 - Cam! - So toned. 卡姆
这里臭死啦 Cam, it smells horrible in here. 习惯了就好了 It"s not that bad once you get used to it. 他们在建筑工地的临时厕所里 看到它在摇晃
就别来敲门 If it"s a-rocking, don"t come a-knocking. 政坛混战 很糟糕
卡姆 This is bad, Cam. 三周后 很糟
我一点都不喜欢这些数据 This is real bad. Okay? I don"t like those numbers at all. 一次民♥意♥调查而已
本来也不科学 Just one poll. Those things aren"t scientific. 这很科学 Yes, they are. 这都是科学
数学算出来的 All this is is science. This is math. 要是你拿了数字
这么放在轴上 But if you took it and put it on its axis this way... 听着卡姆
我告诉你
Hey, look, Cam, I"m telling you right now, 是因为那个电♥话♥ it was the phone call. -是吗
-是的 - Mm-mm. - Yes. -不可能
-就是这样
看这里 - No way. - Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay? 支持率调查 被调查的 62%的人支持你 Sixty-two percent of the people that got asked liked you, okay? 但是电♥话♥事件发生了 Then the phone call happened. 然后再问同样的问题 Then they asked the same question. 只剩下 46%的人支持你了 Now only 46 percent of the people like you. 再给我讲一遍 Run through it one more time. 在那次电♥话♥之前 Look, before the call, 这是你
就像电视游戏似的 this is you. Like Price is Right. 然后
看呀
直线下降 And then look at that. Straight down. 我想打莎娜的
拨错号♥了 I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed. 为
我们祈祷你保佑这张桌子 And, Lord, we just pray that you bless this table 食物
我们的家和国家 this food, this family and this nation. 等等杰瑞德 Hey, Jared, 让留话机替上帝接了吧 let"s let the machine take one for God. 莎娜
我是卡姆·布雷迪议员 Hey, Shana, it"s Congressman Cam Brady here. 我从我家晚饭上溜出来 I just stepped away from a family 告诉你我真不想吃煎牛排 dinner to tell you I wish I wasn"t eating fried steak. 我真希望吃的是你
I wish I was eating Shana pussy. 说真的
宝贝
你让我 Seriously, baby, you get me 硬得小♥弟♥弟♥抵在拉链上 so hard my dick presses against my zipper 疼死我啦 and it hurts like a motherfucker. 还有什么 What else? 我帮你♥爷♥妈弄来《金牌监制》的票 Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers. 还有
咱们下次来点疯狂变♥态♥吧 And, oh, yeah, let"s do something crazy weird next time 比如在丹尼餐厅的厕所里互舔菊花 like lick each other"s buttholes in a Denny"s bathroom. 就这样
再见 All right, I gotta go. 2012 选卡姆·布雷迪 Cam Brady in "012. 很明显
他打错电♥话♥了 Okay. Now, that was clearly a wrong number. -是啊
-他没听耶稣的话 - Right. - He is not listening to Jesus 因为要是他听了 because if he was, 耶稣一定会跟他有场口舌大战 oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing. 不是他想要的那种哈 Not like the one he has requested. 那家人很生气 And that family"s hopping mad. -你想让我说什么
-你说呢 - What do you want me to say? - You tell me. 我搞砸了 I fucked up. 我们现在状况很不乐观 Yeah, we"re in a bad situation here, okay? 你要我做什么 What do you wanna do? 收回污点
重返原位 Get out front. Walk it back.
我们不允许
这种行为要停止 We can"t have this. It"s a behavior that has to stop. 竞选大本营 但议员先生
电♥话♥是你打的 But, congressman, you made the call. 我这辈子 I have made in my lifetime 大概打过十万个电♥话♥ probably over 100,000 phone calls 我可以说其中有 1%内容不雅 of which I could say maybe 1 percent have been inappropriate. 算算那有多少
一千个电♥话♥ What is that, a thousand phone calls? 没错一千个 That is exactly 1 000. 一千个不礼貌
不文雅 A thousand phone calls have been rude, 有性内容的电♥话♥ inappropriate, sexually explicit. 我希望不曾打过的电♥话♥ Phone calls I wish I could take back. 但那只是十万个里头的一千个 But that"s only 1 000 out of 1 00,000. 这是多么低的概率啊 I"ll take those odds any day of the week. 华盛顿 先生们
这个法案我不能提 Gentlemen, I can"t bring this bill to the floor. 我会被杀的 I"ll get killed. 议会不可能允许摩奇跨国集团 There is no way Congress will let Motch Worldwide Global 在中国造的产品上贴美国制♥造♥的标签 put "Made in America" on goods made in China. 为什么不
中国有个小镇叫美♥利♥坚♥ Why not? The name of the town in China is America. 不
镇名是美丽镇 Oh, now, technically it"s Mera-Kai. 我们兄弟制♥造♥就业机会 My brother and I are job creators. 因此
我们也制♥造♥候选人
And because of that, we"re also candidate creators. 我的权力有限 My hands are tied. -真可惜啊
韦德
-是啊 - That"s a real pity, isn"t it, Wade?
- Yeah. 等我们跟你弄完 By the time we"re finished, 你选区一半的人会认为你是共♥产♥党 half your district will think you"re a Marxist 另一半的人会认为你有广♥告♥栏里 and the other half will think you"ve got every D.C. 所有妓♥女♥的电♥话♥号♥码 craigslist hooker on speed dial. 明白吗 Got it? 当那家人 When the family plugged 把留话机接在电♥话♥线上 in their phone into the answering machine 他们就成为法定成年人 they became consenting adults. 卡姆·布雷迪玩完了 Cam Brady"s done. 他锁不住那区的支持率了 He doesn"t have this district locked up anymore. 让布雷迪出局吧 Let"s get Brady out of there. 资助一个未来的摩奇朊友 Finance someone who"ll be a friend of the Motches 帮咱们变变这些法律 and help us change these regulations. 咱们那头还有谁可以用 Who do we have down there that we could run? 老吆姆·桑顿挪用州彩票基金还在蹲监狱 Big Jim Santon"s in prison for embezzling state lottery funds. 悲哀 Sad. 雷蒙德·哈金斯的儿子马蒂呢 Well, Raymond Huggins" boy Marty? 他不是很怪吗 Isn"t he the weird one?
一个人怪不怪有影响过我们的计划吗 Has weird ever stopped us before? 怎会有人在 2012 年还用留话机 How, in the year 2012, do they still have an answering machine? 谁在禁止他们使用现代科技 Why are they denied modern technology? 打电♥话♥吧 Make the call. 来吧
小家伙们 Come on, guys. -早啊
马蒂
-早啊
泰蜜 - Hey there, Marty. - Hey, Tammy. -早上好斯库鲁格医生
-我不认识你 - Good morning, Dr. Scruggs. - I have no idea who you are. 你好戴安
"蜡烛及其他"生意怎样 Hey, Diane. How"s business at Candles "N" Such? 其他还不错
蜡烛卖♥♥的不行啊 Such is selling. I can"t move the candles, though. 你能行的戴安
不行是行的起点哦 Yes, you can, Diane. "Can"t" Is the real C-word. 哈蒙德旅游中心 喔喔喔喔喔
起床了
塔拉维斯 Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. 看上去很累啊
没睡好吗 You look tired. Did you get some sleep? 我正磕得高着呢 Yeah, I"m just real high. 你真会说笑话
塔拉维斯 You"re hysterical, Travis. 11:30 那团有多少人 How"s the turnout for the 11:30 tour? 有一个人来登记 Just one person signed in. 什么
你说真的吗 What? Are you serious? 初二学生的出游呢 What happened to the eighth-grade field trip? 我猜那些孩子宁愿去上课 I guess the kids would just rather go to class. -一个顾客也成
-猜猜那是谁 - Well, I just need one person. - Yeah, well, guess who it is.
又是卡特勒太太
她看上你了马蒂 Mrs. Cutler again. She got a crush on you, Marty. 那她要准备排队了 She"s gonna have to get in line. Heh. 哈蒙德
我称它为卡罗莱纳两州的宝石 Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas, as I like to call it 有着丰富的历史和天然的美貌 is rich in history and flush with natural beauty. 我们这也会有名人路过 We"ve also had celebrities pass through. 8 年前
演员罗西·皮瑞兹路过这里 Eight years ago, actress Rosie Perez passed through 她因高速公路封闭 when she got turned around 到我们这里问路 on the interstate and came to ask us for direc-- 塔拉维斯
停下来
停停 Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. -把大巴停下
-现在吗
行 - Stop the tour. - Now? All right. 什么事
父亲 Hello, Father? 对 Yes. 好的
先生
好的 Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 来了
来了 Oh, I"s a-coming, I"s a-coming. 劳累的人要多点耐心 Patience for the tired. 你可以在门廊上看看风景 Now, you just enjoy that view from the porch, now. 快到了 Oh. Almost there. 来了
天啊
这不是马蒂先生吗 Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain"t Mr. Marty. -你好姚太太
-进来吧
孩子 - Hi, Mrs. Yao. - Oh, come on in, child. 老先生在码头 Oh, Mr. Senior"s down at 想吓唬些鲶鱼
the docks trying to scare up some catfish. 他还让你这么讲话吗 He"s still making you talk like that? 他每周额外付给我 50 元 Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week. 他说能让他想起美好的过去 Says it reminds him of the good old days. -他是个老古董
-是啊 - He can be an old coot. - Yeah. 你♥爷♥爷在湖边 Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake 打算钓些鲶鱼来炸 fishing for some catfish to fry up. 天啊
听起来真不错 Mm, Lordy, that sounds good. 鲶鱼 Catfish. -马蒂你这你这鸡鸡圈
-别 - Marty, you stack of cock rings. - Stop! Ha, ha! -满嘴阴毛的家伙
-别挠我 - Mouthful of pubes. - Don"t tickle. 别挠我
别挠我 Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me! -这是报复
-停下来
别挠我 - Full revenge, man. - Stop! Stop tickling me! 抱歉
弟弟
哈哈
夥计 I"m sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man. 你应该看看你那张蠢脸 You should see the look on your stupid face. 见到你很高兴
老弟 Ah. It"s good to see you, brother. 爷爷有件好事给你 Daddy got a little surprise for you. -你知道是什么吗
-知道 - Do you know what it is? - Yeah. 但我不会告诉你的
傻瓜 But I ain"t gonna tell you, dick sweat. -这依然好笑
-来吧
别让爷爷等 - It"s still funny. - Come on. Let"s not keep Daddy waiting. 好的
爷爷 Okay. Hey, Daddy.
听着 Now, listen up. 格伦和韦德·摩奇今早打电♥话♥ Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning. 你知道摩奇兄弟吗 You know the Motch brothers? 他们觉得可以有人 And they feel there"s an 跟卡姆·布雷迪竞选议员 opening to challenge Cam Brady for congressman. 于是 And, well 信不信随你 believe it or not 他们想让你参与竞选 they want you to run for office. 爷爷
这是最好 Dad, that is like the greatest.... 这是我听过的 This is like the greatest 最好的消息
我都不敢相信 news I"ve ever heard. I can"t believe this. 这么多年来 All these years I"ve been 我一直求你让我进入政坛 begging you to let me get into politics 终于实现了 and right now here it is. 我都不知道摩奇兄弟竟然听说过我 I didn"t even know they knew who I was. Motch brothers. 这么跟您说吧 Well, I"ll tell you this. 我会让您自豪的
我会的 I"ll make you proud. I will. 我会让你真正自豪的 I"ll make you-- I"ll make you real proud. 我看这个的可能基本上是零 I"d say there"s mathematically zero chance of that happening. 你兄弟特里普是天之骄子 Your brother Tripp is a bull"s-eye. 你就像理查德·席梦思
But you look like Richard 生出的霍比特人[侏儒] Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit. 如果你还因为我穿 Dad, if you"re still holding a 卡骆驰鞋去妈妈葬礼的事生气 grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom"s funeral 我只能第一千次地再说抱歉 like I"ve told you a thousand times, I"m sorry. 妈妈会希望那样的
她喜欢便朋 Mom would"ve wanted it that way. She was casual. 我现在脑子很乱 I don"t even know what to think. 我在想很多 I got so many thoughts running through my mind 我能为选区
为镇子 about what I can do for the 为哈蒙德层民做的事 district and for the town, for the people of Hammond. 让他们有发言权 Give them a voice. 引导他们正确方向 Put them in the right direction. 那里现在乱七八糟 I mean, it"s a mess out there. 谁都知道咱俩势不两立 Son, it"s no secret we"ve never enjoyed each other"s company. 爷爷
你真是爱泼冷水 You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad. 你收没收到我送你的 Did you ever get that calendar 穿着衣朋的动物的日历 I sent of those animals dressed in human clothing? 昨天我看了我的那本 I was looking at mine 因为我自己也买♥♥了 yesterday because I bought one for myself 是长颈鹿穿高跟鞋的 and it had a giraffe in high heels. 我就在想
这是谁的为意啊 And I thought to myself, "Who thinks of this stuff?"
笑死我了 I laughed so hard. 我觉得那太可爱了 I thought it was super cute. 长颈鹿本来已经够高了 A giraffe is tall enough as is. 还有人会想
让它穿上高跟鞋吧 Then somebody thought, "Let"s put a giraffe in high heels. 再给它加条皮带
系个蝴蝶结 Maybe add a belt. There was a little bow on him." 孩子
你真是个悲哀的傻瓜 Boy, you really are a sad little fucker, aren"t you? 中国
美丽镇 薪水低
约亓十美分每小时 另外
没有关于安全的规矩 所以利润大 我们挣钱有诀窍 这是北卡罗来纳州 This is the 14th district 第 14 区和哈蒙德城 of North Carolina and the city of Hammond. 我们以皮包公♥司♥的名义 We are acquiring massive parcels 在这里买♥♥了大量的地皮 of real estate under a shell corporation 好重开 3 家大工厂 so we can reopen three large factories. 这个区基本上是我们的 Ostensibly, we own this district. 我们认为可以 We think we can operate at 用中国的制度和工资营运 the same regulatory and wage levels as China 从而省下运费 and eliminate shipping costs. 你们政♥府♥会吅作吗 And your government will cooperate? 我们拥有最重要的资源 We also own the most important resource of all: 一个肯吅作的候选人 a willing candidate.
候选人吗
选举结果是不可预测的 Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable. 郑先生
关于美国政♥治♥ Mr. Zheng, there"s something 有一点你要记住 you need to know about American politics. 只要有钱
没什么是不预测的 When you"ve got the money, nothing is unpredictable. 哈蒙德市政大厅 选举前 8 周 有时
民♥为♥的进程只需要动一动笔 Sometimes democracy moves with the stroke of a pen 今晚卡姆·布雷迪会第亓次连仸议员 and tonight Cam Brady will win his fifth term in Congress 只需要他注册候选人 simply by registering for the ballot. 这就是没有竞选对手的好处 That"s the perks of running unopposed. -我小♥弟♥弟♥的照片
-别这样 - Check it out. It"s a picture of my dick. - Oh, come on. 我把阴毛 I shaved my pubic hair to 剃成 19 世纪的八字胡状 look like a 19th-century handlebar mustache. 老兄
收起来吧 Man, put that away, will you? 我要把它发给莎娜 I"m gonna tweet it to Shana. -卡姆
别这样做
-说晚了 - Cam, don"t do that, please. - Too late. 我也发了份给你 I CC"d you. Heh. -我才不想看
-别客气嘛 - I don"t wanna see it. - You"re welcome. 接下来
接受 Next up, we have ballot 卡姆·布雷迪候选人申请
议员请讲 confirmation of Camden Brady, congressman. 谢谢
卡尔 Thank you, Carl. -让我签字吧
-签吧
- Let"s get this bad boy signed. - Let"s do it. 我不知道怎么回事 I couldn"t tell what was going on. 我以为它锁住了 I thought the thing was locked. 这是搞什么 What the hell is this? -你好贝琪
-你好 - Hey, Becky. - Hi. 你好
我叫马蒂·哈金斯 Hello. My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins 今天我来正式宣布 and I"m here today to formally 我将以共和党的候选人的身份 announce my candidacy on the Republican ticket 参加第 14 区的国会议员选举 for the 14th district for congressman. 我的申请费和申请表 I have, uh, my check and my application 还有出生证明
都在这里 and my birth certificate all right here if you.... 等等
等等
这怎么回事 Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on. What"s going on here? 你先等等卡姆
我来看看 Hold on a second, Cam. Let me take a look at this. 他的文件都在 All his paperwork is here. 马蒂·哈金斯将被正式 Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot -登记在北卡罗来纳
-什么 - Running for congressional representative... - What? 第 14 区的国会议员选票上 of the 14th district of North Carolina. -你这是在耍我吗
-别这样
卡尔 - Are you kidding me? - Hey, come on, Carl. 这是笑话吗 Is this some kind of joke? 你不能这样
卡尔 Come on, Carl. 你挑战了我们的议员 They"re gonna wanna get to know you
大家肯定都想认识你 now that you"re challenging our congressman. 你有什么打算 How do you expect to do that? -你说什么
-那是马蒂·哈金斯 - Uh, say that again. - That"s Marty Huggins. 四年级的时候 You know, back in fourth grade, 我们都叫他胳肢屎 they used to call him Tickle Shits 只要胳肢他 because all you had to 他就会拉在裤子上 do was tickle him and he"d shit his pants. 我记得这名字 Oh, I remember that name. 我是马蒂·哈金斯
我同意这条消息 I"m Marty Huggins, and I approve this message. 选举广♥告♥常用语 我早就想这么说了 I"ve always wanted to say that. 又搞什么 What the hell? 我不知道 I can"t seem to-- -推门
-得推门 - Push the door. - Yeah, you gonna push. 要推它
用力推吗 Push it? Push it real good? -不善于开门
-就是 - Not good with doors. Heh. - No. 那东西叫门 It"s called a door. 来自北卡罗来纳州的最新消息 Breaking news out of North Carolina. 民♥为♥党竞选人卡姆·布雷迪 Democratic incumbent Cam Brady 要严阵以待新人马蒂·哈金斯 getting a run for his money by newcomer Marty Huggins. 有传闻称工业巨头 Early rumors have billionaire
亿万富翁摩奇兄弟 industrialists the Motch brothers... 成立了哈金斯的政♥治♥行动委员会 financing a PAC supporting Huggins. 考虑到民♥为♥党在议会的多数席位差距很少 And with a thin majority in the House, 这场选举结果格外重要 this race could be hugely important. 亲爱的
我想过
我不喜欢 You know, baby, I"ve been thinking. I don"t like this. 怎么会突然跑出来个 Why does a Marty Huggins 马蒂·哈金斯要参加竞选呢 come out of nowhere and decide to run? 亲爱的
我是纯血统 Baby, I"m a thoroughbred. 我会把那小丑踩扁 I"m gonna smoke that clown. 孩子们
把耳机戴上 Kids, put your headphones in. 我们要说大人话了 About to use TV mature words. 你知道我最爱你恶毒和粗野的样子 You know I love it when you get all bitchy and wild. 给我听着
只用老二想问题的傻瓜 You listen to me, you dick dragging around a body. 马蒂·哈金斯的父亲是 Marty Huggins" daddy
雷蒙德·哈金斯 is Raymond Huggins. 他可是杰西·赫姆斯 He was Jesse Helms"
六次竞选的经理 campaign manager for six terms. 他是老谋深算
你有什么 He"s got fucking juice. What have you got? 一个有高中同等学历和九岁儿子的情妇 A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son. 她有孩子啦 She"s got a kid? 屁♥股♥和乳♥房♥♥
屁♥股♥和乳♥
房♥♥ Ass and titties, ass and titties ... 大屁♥股♥的婊♥子♥ And big booty bitches 屁股♥和乳♥房♥♥
屁♥股♥和乳♥房♥♥ Ass and titties, ass and titties ... 上次选举 Last election, 新闻周刊说你可能是副总统人选 Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP. -我想要副总统
-我知道 - I want that VP nod, Cam. - Okay. 我想做第二夫人 I wanna be second lady. 你为此做过什么努力 And what are you doing to make that happen? 只要哪个傻瓜冲你笑笑 You"re grinding your hairy crescent 你就跑去跟她磨你那个长毛的小肉肠 roll against any piece of ass that flashes you a smile. 不是我的错
我无力抵抗 None of that was my fault. I was powerless. 我每天喝无数红牛
烈酒果冻 I was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, 和金片杜松子酒 Jell-O shots and Goldschlmger. 记得詹金斯医生 Remember Dr. Jenkins, 告诉你我有克罗恩病吗 he thought I had Crohn"s disease. 一整个月
我粪便里有 24K 金片 There were flakes of 24-karat gold in my stool for about a month. 我拉的是黄金啊 I crapped gold. 有个好消息 Was the nicest thing. 卡姆·布雷迪打电♥话♥来 Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady 邀请我去 saying that, uh, he invited
一个礼节性的早午餐 me to something called a civility brunch.. 我想就是在共同进餐时 Which I think is just a chance for us to share a meal together 讨论一下竞选方面的话题 and talk about the campaign and its issues 确保双方都会文明地竞选 and make sure that everything"s gonna be civil, you know? 真是个好为意
马蒂 That"s a lovely idea, Marty.
我们为你自豪 We"re all so proud of you. 我就知道总有一天 I knew one day your dad
你♥爷♥爷会认识到你的潜能 would realize your true potential. 孩子们
把餐具放下 Um, boys, put down your utensils. 跟你们说件事
很快的 I wanna talk to you about something real quick. 我想告诉你们 I wanted to take this time 以后咱们会受到媒体的狂轰滥炸 to say that we"re gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny. 如果你们有什么想说的 So if there"s anything that you wanna talk about 小秘密
小故事 any kind of secrets 撒过的谎话 or stories or fibs 最好现在说出来
可以吗 now"s the time to put it on the table, okay? 要是你告诉我
告诉爷爷妈妈 And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom 我们不会生气 we"re not gonna be mad. 指"我的上帝"这类话
基♥督♥徒不允许 我在学校用上帝名字咒骂过 I said the Lord"s name in vain at school. 我说过我不生气的
我没有生气哦 Well, I said I wasn"t gonna get angry, and I"m not angry.
好
就这样 Okay. Good. 我在小动物园让山羊舔了我的小鸡鸡 I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my penis. 天啊
天啊 What? What? -我必须说
-亲爱的 - Now, that I have a... - Now, honey. 你说过你不会生气的
好吗 Now, you promised you wouldn"t get mad, okay? 他们是诚实的孩子 They"re just... they"re being honest. 好吧
但愿就这么多吧 Okay. Maybe that"s... Hopefully, that"s it. 我跟街头那个骑摩托的老头喝过啤酒 I had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street... 他让我摸了他老伴儿的咪♥咪♥ ...and he let me touch his old lady"s titty. -天啊
-要说乳♥房♥♥ - Oh, God. - Ugh. "Breast". 我藏在商场的楼梯下面 I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell 拍女人裙子底下的照片 and take photos up women"s skirts. 我床下藏了一大本走光照 I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed. 有一次我把萤火虫放进屁♥眼♥里 One time I put a firefly in my butthole. -为什么
-好让屁发光 - Why? - To make my farts glow. 天啊 Oh, God. 我剃下狗毛粘在小鸡鸡下面 I shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac 好假装大人 so I"d look like a grown man. 天啊 Oh, God. 我在看"价格正确"的为持人时自♥慰♥来着 I touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price Is Right. 天啊
God. 够了
别说了 Okay, that"s enough. Stop, please. 选举前 7 周 很感谢大家今天来到这里 I wanna thank you all for coming here today. 今天这样的场吅 Events like this give us 让我们向华盛顿证明 an opportunity to show Washington, D.C 我们绝不会赞同 that we"re not gonna stand for 分♥裂♥国家的恶意中伤行为 the mudslinging that"s tearing this country apart. 支持咱们军队 Support our troops. -对
-说的好 - Yes. - Yeah. 我希望为大家介绍一下 And with that, I would like to, uh, take this time 我的对手兺朊友
马蒂·哈金斯 to introduce my opponent and, uh, my friend, Marty Huggins. 马蒂 Marty? 非常感谢 Thank you so much. 感谢卡姆
感谢大家 Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, thank you everybody. 说实话
我有点紧张 Well, I"m a little nervous. I"ll be honest with you. 我父亲总跟我说
演讲要注意两点 My dad always told me two things about giving speeches. 第一
不要说犹太人的坏话 One, never say anything bad about the Jews, 第二
讲个有趣的故事 and two, tell an interesting story. 我兹了两只哈巴狗 I have two pugs. 一只叫小蛋糕
一只叫小松饼 One"s named Poundcake and one"s named Muffins. 天啊
Good Lord. 小蛋糕喜欢钻到沙发底下去 Anyway, Poundcake loves to get underneath the sofa. 我很清楚为什么 And I know exactly why. 因为我妻子总把涂了面条酱的 Because my wife leaves Milky Ways underneath the sofa... 巧克力糖丢到沙发底下 with Hamburger Helper on it. 小松饼总是对着小蛋糕狂叫 And Muffins is always yapping at him, 就像说"别钻沙发" like, "Don"t go underneath the sofa." 小蛋糕也叫回去 And Poundcake barks back: "我就钻沙发
我高兴" "I am under the sofa, and I"m having a good time." 他们一起看我
"怎么着" And they look at me like, "What?" 他们又互相看
说"怎么着" The other one"s looking at the other one, going, "What?" 然后我走过去说"你俩在干嘛啊" Then I walk in like, "What are you two doing?" 但每天这一幕都会上演 But every day, it"s the same thing. 就因为一只狗爱钻沙发而吵个要死 Just barking about one of them being underneath the sofa. -这
就是我的故事
-真有意思 - That"s... And that"s my story. - All right. 谢谢大家 Thank you very much. 谢谢你
马蒂 Thank you, Marty. 请坐 Have a seat. 抱歉
我真无礼 I am sorry. Where are my manners? 我忘了马蒂的传记 I forgot Marty"s bio. 不知道我还有传记 Didn"t know I had a bio.
米琪
帮忙关一下灯 Mitch, if you"d go ahead and kill the lights. 大家帮忙拉一下窗帘
谢谢 If we could draw those curtains, thank you. 一个小展示 Little presentation. 咱们来认识马蒂·哈金斯 Today we are here to meet Martiy Sylvester Huggins 他在 1972 年生于此地 who was born right here in 1972. 小时候
马蒂参加过 As a boy, Marty attended camp 减肥和情绪控制夏令营 for weight loss and emotional stability. 中学时代
他参加过 In high school, he was part 男子清唰团
叫男人帮 of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch. 25 岁时
他遇见了一生挚爱 At 25, he met the love of his life. 她向他求了 6 次婚他才答应 She proposed to him six times before he said yes. 他们有两个男孩 Together, they have two boys 两只哈巴狗
请注意
是中国的 and two pugs, which, keep in mind, are Chinese. 中国品种的狗 They"re Chinese dogs. 现在马蒂·哈金斯在一家专为 And currently Marty Huggins works out at Curves 肥胖女性朋务的健身房♥健身 which is a workout facility for plus-size women. 你们不觉得 Anyway, don"t you find 马蒂·哈金斯这个人很有趣吗 that interesting to learn about Marty Huggins? 这便是我的竞争对手
马蒂·哈金斯 That"s my opponent, Marty Huggins. 大家吃好喝好啊
玩得开心 Eat up, everyone. Enjoy. 欢迎来到无下限秀场
Welcome to the fucking show. 坚强
马蒂
别哭 Okay, Marty, you"re not gonna cry. 兹美国狗吧
你这共♥产♥党 Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie! 开车 Drive. 开车
快点启动
我们走 Move the car. Stab and steer. Let"s go. -你是谁
-提姆·瓦特雷 - Who are you? - Tim Wattley. 摩奇兄弟派我来做你的竞选经理 Motch brothers sent me. I"m your campaign manager. 我可以让你不再那么逊 I"m here to make you not suck. 现在赶紧开这破车吧 Now put this shit bucket in gear. 这是怎么回事
瓦特雷先生 What"s this all about, Mr. Wattley? 你以前的生活已经结束 Your life as you know it is over. 在我们说话时
你的竞选总部已经 As we speak, your campaign headquarters 在被装♥修♥
招兵买♥♥马 are being furnished and staffed, 摩奇兄弟投了一百万 and the Motch brothers have put $1 million 组建你的政♥治♥行动委员会 into your political action committee. 但这是我的啊
这是我收集的花边垫 But these are my things. I mean, this is my doily collection. 我的狗狗立标 And that"s my sign. 从现在起
你没有哈巴狗 From now on, you don"t own pugs. 你兹的是褐色的拉布拉多 You own a chocolate Lab and 和金毛寻回犬
民♥意♥调查最受欢迎的狗 a golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs. 一只叫中士
另一只叫侦查兵 One of them will be named Sergeant, the other Scout.
它们要系彩色方巾 They will wear bandanas. 坐下 Sit. 那我的哈巴狗怎么办 What about my pugs? 人道地处死 Have them put down humanely. 不行
不能放那 No. That cannot stay there. 你想在后院放只活鹿 You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, 没问题
但我不要死的 that"s fine, but I don"t want dead things. 不
你不能把枪放在这
你疯了吗 No. You cannot have guns in here. Are you crazy? 迪伦有严重的暴♥力♥倾向 Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence. 马蒂
马蒂
他们闯进来 Marty, Marty, they just let themselves in. 我阻止不了 I tried to stop them. 他们让我剪知名为播的发型 They want me to cut my hair like Katie Couric. 桌子上放一本圣经 I want a Bible on this end table 壁炉上方挂一幅鹰的油画
快点 and an oil painting of an eagle over this fireplace, stat. 全天播放爱国歌♥曲 I want Lee Greenwood playing 24/7. 米姿
他们只想帮咱们赢 Mitzi, they"re just trying to help us win. 提姆
你去哪里 Tim, where you going? 不不不 No, no, no. 不许拿走我的全家福 You do not take down my family. 瓦特雷先生
你在干嘛 Mr. Wattley, what are you doing? 那是我的衣朋
That"s my wardrobe. 现在不是了 Not anymore, it"s not. 现在起
正式场吅穿"劳工朋装"牌 From now on, you wear Men"s Wearhouse for formal... 休闲时穿高尔夫球装 and the Greg Norman sport collection for cazh. 老式家庭夫妻分床 拜托
把那两张床并一块 And for God"s sakes, put those beds together. 不要
不要 No. No. 小孩需要下点功夫 These kids need some real help. 你俩都不玩美式橄榄球吗 Either one of you throw a football? 妈的
你们到底是怎么教育孩子的 Goddamn it, what have you been doing with these boys? 他们都是在家上学的 They"re homeschooled. 他们胃口好 They"re good eaters. 还有 49 天 We have 49 days 本区的 70 万层民 before this district of 700,000 就要决定是否支持你 people decides if they like you or not. 你现在的支持率是 26% Right now, your likability is at 26 percent. 焦点小组形容你"奇怪" The focus group words that come up about you are "Odd", "黏糊糊"
"可能是塞尔维亚人" "Clammy," "Probably Serbian." 习惯了 That"s an old one. "像旅行社广♥告♥里的侏儒" "He looks like the Travelocity gnome." 什么 What? 你要真想帮这个区
马蒂
If you really wanna help this district, 首先要做的就是竞选成功 the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win. 你真想帮这个区
我爱我家 I do wanna help the district. I love my home. 只是
一切都太突然了 It"s just all happening so fast. 我相信卡姆·布雷迪能被打败 Listen, I think Cam Brady can be beaten. 但我不相信你相信这一点 But I don"t believe you believe that. 你知道吗 You know what? 我给你父亲打电♥话♥ I"m just gonna call your dad 告诉他你没有从政的能力 and tell him you don"t have the rocks for this. 把电♥话♥收起来
瓦特雷先生 You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley. 也许很难相信 This might be hard for you to believe, 但我的内心充满了斗志 but this dog has a ton of fight in him. 充满斗志 A ton of fight. 一旦我认定了什么
我会日夜追寻 And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother. I hunt all day long. 所以别再说那样的泄气话了 So don"t you ever insinuate anything like that again. 叫我提姆就好 Call me Tim. 全面改造
从头到脚 Complete makeover, head to toe. 不不不
不要粉的
换个黑色的 No, no, no, not the pink one. Let me have a black one. 好像女人内♥裤♥一样可爱啊 It looks as precious as girl"s panties. 更年轻
更健壮
更智慧 Younger, stronger, smarter. 再来一次 Hit him again.
别这样
很痒好吗 Don"t do that, it tickles, okay? 把沙滩上的脏东西清理掉
零钱不用找 Why don"t you clean this crap up off the beach? Keep the change. 像他那样说
妈的 Like Burt. Goddamn it. 把沙滩上的脏东西清理掉 Why don"t you clean this crap up off the beach? 再来一次 Again. 把沙滩上的脏东西清理掉 Why don"t you clean this crap up off the beach? -把这个扔了
-我东西放哪儿啊 - Get rid of this. - That"s where I keep my things. 提气
把气提起来
像这样 No, up. I need you up, like this. 感到不同了吗 See the difference? 像我这样
提气
提气 Here. Watch me. Up. Up. 得瑟点
像个男人 Swag. There you go. Like a man. 好的
米琪 Right, Mitch. 没有
我正在外面竞选哪 No, I"m out campaigning right now. 我没有不重视这事
别开玩笑了 I"m not taking this thing too lightl...